Thanks for playing!

Sorry.  Didn’t mean to misrepresent this blog post.  I’m not going to discuss religion.  That and politics are subjects I avoid like the plague.  From my experience people get real passionate about their religious and/or political beliefs.  I’m staying far away from that fire so as to not get burned by many blazing comments.

I do want to begin at the beginning.  I wasn’t born on the seventh day.  I was born actually on a rainy Friday morning many moons ago.  Thirty five years to be exact.  And I remember as I was growing up there was only one thing I loved to do above all others… create mixtapes and then mix cds.  I guess nowadays it’s playlists but I have to admit I haven’t done that yet on iTunes, Pandora or Last.fm.  There is just way too much music out there for me right now to get even a handle on making a share-worthy playlist.  But I digress.

It is the one thing my memory keeps going back to whenever I asked myself what I enjoyed doing as a child.  I would spend hours upon hours putting together R&B mixes or Freestyle mixes trying to replicate what the DJs were doing on Hot 97 or 98.7 Kiss late Friday or Saturday nights at the clubs.    I have to thank all those amazing DJs for their skills because they poured passion in my soul.  And it took some time for my soul to move.  But now it’s running to the direction of music land.

I’m clear now about what I want to do.  When I was fourteen years old I had to tell my teachers what I wanted to be when I grow up so they could say it out loud during my grammar school graduation. And my answer was a record producer owning my own record company.  I even had the name picked out. It was called G## productions.  In musical terms G## means ‘G double sharped’ and on the piano that is the key of A.   A = Abby.  Looking back, it was cute thinking for a fourteen year old.

As time progressed and I lost in the maze of fear, disbelief and the minutiae of life, it took the death of my father earlier this year to finally wake up.  I loved my father but I never understood why he chose to be a records clerk at a VA hospital for twenty something years straight.  Maybe he loved it.  Unfortunately I’ll never get the chance to ask him.  I do now have an opportunity to make my dreams come true.  I want to be happy investing what is the majority of my time at “work”.  It should be something I love to do. I’m willing to take the chance and pick up the pieces I dropped as a child.  I don’t know how all this will pan out.  I do know it will be fun.  It’s based on love.  How could it not?

The word encouragement contains courage.  When all else fails find the courage to be you.  And who are you?  Read this passage and whatever comes to you is your answer.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

It’s not the most healthiest meal for breakfast but it definitely says something.  It says I’m eccentric or weird depending how you look at it since I order my egg sandwich with jelly.  Seriously, I’m a woman who knows what she likes and wants when the moment warrants.  Have you ever experienced a time while grocery shopping either online (love FreshDirect.com by the way) or in a store and you go from aisle to aisle not knowing what you want to buy?  Everything looks so delicious especially when you’re hungry.  I’ve done that a few times.  Not the best time to shop in my opinion.  I get all discombobulated and it becomes a slow process just to make a decision. Chicken or Beef?  Mixed greens or Caesar? I end up buying a half gallon of Breyers’ ice cream because it’s on sale and I can carry it without stressing my fingers.  It’s lite, compact, great with a variety of garnishes and stress-free.  But is it really?  In the end I’m only doing my body a disservice by not giving it the proper nourishment it needs.  That’s the same with being unclear of my goals or the big picture; of how I want to experience this life.

Being unsure of myself allows doubt to seep in.   Second guessing my actions and motives make a play for home run.  I shall not allow them to steal for home base.  How do I protect what is near and dear?  Going with my heart.  When I have to make a decision I must feel that it’s the right move to make.  OK so I don’t make the best decisions all the time, including breakfast choices.  However, when it does happen.  When the score is tied and I’m the last one up to bat, I go with the intention to hit it out the park and use my intuition.  No matter what, the gut will not steer me wrong.  It may make me miss a few hits but only two.  Because always, on the last swing, the one that counts… I hit a home run.

Photographer: Overant via stock.xchng

Five.  You’re getting sleepy.  Your breath shallow.
Four.  You’re feeling lighter. You’re getting sleepier.
Three…

Well, you get the point.  No.  I’m not trying to hypnotize you but if that’s what it takes to get some answers, go for it.  What does it take to get clear about a career choice?  Whichever method works for you, do it.  Meditation?  Big believer in quieting the mind.  For me, I’m reminiscing about my childhood.  As well as paying attention to what I daydream the most.  Sifting through the x-rated daydreams of course.  Let’s keep it PG, shall we?

What games did you play when you were a child?  What were your favorite toys?  What activities brought the greatest joy when you were a kid? And nap time can’t count.  Although that was one of my favorite past-times.  What is your favorite hobby?  Could it become a career?  The point of all this is to gain clarity.  Once I’m clear about the direction I need to take to achieve professional harmony then I’ll know what to do next.

The important thing is to keep asking myself questions.  My mother once told me I was a curious child.  I use to bug her all the time asking why this and why that.  I can see how that can be annoying.  But I haven’t changed much.  I’m still asking questions and my friends can vouch for that.

If I don’t ask questions, then how will I grow as a person?  Life isn’t about being stagnant.  It’s about living and growing and experiencing all the world has to offer.

Photographer: Saiuri via stock.xchng

So for now I’ll keep asking questions and believe without a shadow of a doubt, the answer will make itself known.  Even if I have to lay down on the couch to do it.  Oh right, napping isn’t an option.  Shoot!

There’s not much to see when you have your head in the sand.  Oh sure it’s easy to live that way.  The scenes never change.  There’s nothing to expect or eagerly anticipate.  The same humdrum repetition all the time.  Safe is boring.  Driving in neutral isn’t exciting.  You hardly move at all.  What is the function of neutral in a car anyway?  It’s been so long since I last drove a car I don’t remember.  But I do recall cruise control.  To me that’s better than neutral but still dull.  You set the speed at 60 or 70 mph and chill.  And then BAM!  Traffic ahead and all of sudden you’re alert, foot ready on the brake, cruise control off.  Gotta be present.  Stay focused and ready.  But ready for what?

Having your head in the sand is the same as driving way below speed limit.  Playing it safe will keep you out of harm’s way but you won’t experience anything new, fresh or exciting either.  Becoming clear about goals, desires and the ideal lifestyle is a great way of getting my head out of the sand.  Time to check into a better hotel; a lavish room with sweet amenities and a mint on my 1000 thread count silk sheets.  One with a view to kill.  Have you made your reservation yet?

Duran Duran – A View to A Kill

Photographer: Rotorhead @stock.xchng

One quote from the movie Gone with The Wind that stood out for me most was when the persistent, headstrong Scarlett O’Hara said, “Fiddle-dee-dee!  I won’t worry about that today.  I’ll worry about that tomorrow.  After all, tomorrow is another day!”  She was right.  Why worry about things today when tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.  Yet time and time again I find myself consumed with worry.  This always leads to procrastination when in essence it’s all about fear.  According to Dr. Wayne W. Dyer fear is False Evidence Appearing Real.  I give my worries credence.  I make them out to be bigger than what they really are.

Why did I procrastinate wringing this post?  Because I worried about the details.  I worried about what people may think about my writing.  I worried if it comes out all wrong.  I worried, worried, worried.  So much so that it took me about 5 days to write this.  And it’s even ABOUT worry. 

That’s procrastination at its best.  It does that to me.  It finds excuses to not participate. It finds ways to not engage or dig deeper to my true self.  Here I am, a person who is given an opportunity to embellish a drum loop for hip hop artist, Young Broad,  and I have yet to do it.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s all in my head.  I know exactly how I want it to sound and I’m excited about it.  But have I sat down to ACTUALLY do it.  NO.  Why?  Because I procrastinate.  I worry.  I fear.

What is it that I fear?  That it will suck.  That the loop won’t be used.  That I’ll fail as a mixer, engineer, producer.  And failing in something I’m so passionate about would hurt me like a million paper cuts across my body.

Is there anything you procrastinate?  Do you find you’re holding yourself back from doing the things you long to do out of fear?  Because frankly, today is the day to do it.  Follow Miss Scarlet’ suit and worry about it tomorrow.  Tomorrow is another day.

To realize that something is missing in your life or not working out somehow is a silent SOS to change. That’s a pretty challenging thing to accept let alone be aware of. It reminds me of a quote from the movie Poltergeist, “Go into the light. The light is your friend.” But this moment IS about going into the light. It’s about stepping out from the shadows of conformity and ritual. Letting go of your umbrella and feeling the cool raindrops on your skin every now and then.

I’m a systematic thinker. I’m a person who lives off routine and a calendar mostly because of work. I rely on train schedules and can feel whenever my train departs because I live in an apartment building directly over the station. The vibration warmly provides me the assurance I have exactly eight minutes to get on the next train. Security. Patterns, routines, solid systems are all about security. When we even think about stepping outside our comfort zone it shatters our system.

I have my own checks and balances and who am I to defy them? Who am I to think for one split second I can do something different? Live a different way? Walk or run for that matter on a different path? A wider road where the end never appears but the sidelines are full of vibrant growth and activity. It’s high time I runaway from home and break away from the conventional path. Maybe instead of focusing on who I am not, why not focus on who I CAN be? I can be someone who is doing something about it. I can be a bold person, standing up tall and proudly shouting from the top of her lungs “Look out world, Abby is coming!” I can be that person who makes music. I can be an artist. I can be a writer. There is no limit, no ceiling of pure potentiality.

But standing in the light? Can I really do that? They said it’s lonely at the top whoever “they” are. And maybe that’s what this is all really about. Being successful but alone. Maybe it isn’t really about the process of change that scares me but who I think I’ll become. Because being alone scares me. Not living alone but the responsibility that comes with being in the light, a beacon for others to believe in themselves too and know they can change for the better as well. Deep down I know that I won’t be alone. I’m blessed with family and friends. Where I go so shall they. I won’t get too crazy with an entourage though and demand my rooms be all white with spring water bottles and California rolls spread across the table. But I am one to surround myself with real people and need my loved ones by my side.

Yet, change can be a frightening reality if I allow it to be. I have my armor with me. I may be afraid because how do I know what I’m doing is right or if I don’t do the usual then what will I do? When walking on the sunny path of change, all is exposed. I’m left with nothing but my own instincts, acquired skills and past learning of what not to do. Is that enough armor for the road ahead of me? I know I’ll make some mistakes. I know I’ll experience some triumphs too but I also know that if I don’t do this I will never know how it feels to be whole, aligned with my true purpose and mentally, emotionally, and spiritually happy.